autobiography of a yogi
There was a time.
A time when I thought something was wrong with me. A time where everyone looked at me and ran away.
And now I understand why.
Sat Nam
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
– Arthur Schopenhauer
I'm beginning step two.
there are times that you wonder why me… and then there are times that you wonder why not them… and then there are times that you just sit back and don't care because you're too afraid to question it because questioning something makes it go away. And if it goes away, then it would have to vanish as brilliantly as it appeared. And thus why life is the way it is. It returns to it's equalibrium. It's happy place. Because it will always crash as rapidly and as frantically as it rose, and watching it fal has to be as beautiful as it rose or else you'll just live a life of unhappiness. Since you cannot recognise the bad for what it really is… Sheer brillianace beyond expectation, desire or fantasy.
<3
It is my experience that the people who say that they love you, or that they say they are your friend do so for one of two reasons:
One, to get something from you. or Two, to prove something to themselves.
You see, people are generally caught up too much in themselves to realise their effect on anyone else. And by the time that they catch onto how they are affecting people, it is usually too late. The damage is done, and there isn’t any going back. So instead of simply putting their best foot forward, they spend billions of dollars, if not trillians of dollars in order to compensate for their or those around them’s misdeeds.
This leads to another problem. Language as a whole is becoming meaningless in our society. People don’t speak to communicate, they speak to relay emotion. So therefore, it is irrelevant what they say the only thing that matters is how they feel after saying it. But it is for the prepetuation of the drug (both legal and illegal) economy that this continue. Every nerosis starts with some sort of miscommunication that causes a reaction. This reaction is often times an emotion, which then flows into a commotional state, eventually causing a person to become insane. For my thoughts on insanity, allow me to turn to a conversation I had last night.
slipawaay (11:06:07 PM): what do you consider as insanity/sanity?
slipawaay (11:06:23 PM): if you had to make a general defintion for insanity vs sanity
slipawaay (11:06:25 PM): what would it be
~~~ (11:06:35 PM): hm
~~~ (11:06:58 PM): i don’t. i think they are pretty much the same things, only defined/differentiated by words used to describe them.
~~~ (11:07:06 PM): with a bunch of random spaces at the end.. sorry bout that.
slipawaay (11:07:23 PM): so you are basically saying that they are states of being, qualified by the current mindset?
~~~ (11:07:34 PM): mmhmm
slipawaay (11:07:42 PM): hmm, interesting
slipawaay (11:07:50 PM): what are some qualifiers on both sides?
~~~ (11:08:00 PM): i’m not sure..
slipawaay (11:08:07 PM): well think about it for a moment
slipawaay (11:08:37 PM): I’m curious of your thoughts since I consider you an intellgent and sane individual, one of the few that I know
~~~ (11:08:49 PM): ha i don’t consider myself sane at all..
slipawaay (11:09:02 PM): thus why I do :C)
~~~ (11:09:41 PM): i don’t think anyone is sane.. sane requires some form of normalcy.. and i don’t see that most of the time.. then again.. that in itself could be normalcy.
slipawaay (11:10:12 PM): care to hear my metaphor relating sanity vs insanity?
~~~ (11:10:19 PM): sure
slipawaay (11:11:00 PM): a insane person is one who stares only at small pixels in the photo of a beautiful naked woman, if they could only take a breath for just a moment, they could see the whole picture as opposed to just a small fraction of it.
~~~ (11:11:21 PM): hm. interesting
slipawaay (11:11:37 PM): and in life
slipawaay (11:11:41 PM): if you can take a step back
slipawaay (11:11:48 PM): you realise, that focusing on minor events
slipawaay (11:11:58 PM): and giving them your complete attention
slipawaay (11:12:16 PM): with complete merit and without humor
slipawaay (11:12:22 PM): is crazy
slipawaay (11:13:03 PM): now, I agree with you, i only know of a few very prominant individuals who I would consider completely sane
slipawaay (11:13:05 PM): by that definiton
~~~ (11:13:10 PM): hmm
slipawaay (11:13:19 PM): so we are all at varying degrees of difference away from the picture
~~~ (11:13:26 PM): right
slipawaay (11:13:40 PM): so the next question I pose you
slipawaay (11:14:07 PM): is through the educational system that is predominant (grade based) in our society, are we basically training our children to be crazy?
~~~ (11:14:49 PM): we train them to be lazy.. we train them to give up when faced with difficult things.. we train them to be spoiled… but i don’t know about crazy
slipawaay (11:15:50 PM): well think about it, we teach them to focus on each individual test, each individual assignment as if it is the most important thing without really relaying the reality that they are just a tiny itty bitty piece in the overall GPA
~~~ (11:16:05 PM): we teach them to be ocd in a way..
slipawaay (11:16:25 PM): in what way?
~~~ (11:16:44 PM): i’m not sure how to explain it
slipawaay (11:16:52 PM): well take a few moments to compose it then
slipawaay (11:17:00 PM): and do the best that you can
~~~ (11:17:04 PM): i don’t want to think really..
~~~ (11:17:06 PM): sorry
slipawaay (11:17:15 PM): you’ve been trained well :C)
~~~ (11:17:22 PM): ?
slipawaay (11:17:36 PM): ~~~ (11:14:49 PM): we train them to be lazy.. we train them to give up when faced with difficult things..
slipawaay (11:17:40 PM): do we train them not to think?
~~~ (11:17:48 PM): yes
slipawaay (11:18:09 PM): so, by not thinking, does this create a form of insanity?
~~~ (11:18:14 PM): i dunno
slipawaay (11:18:37 PM): well, by general definiton, insanity is a disease or malfunction of the mind
slipawaay (11:18:42 PM): yes?
~~~ (11:18:46 PM): I suppose
slipawaay (11:19:02 PM): well wouldn’t the supreme malfunction of the mind be for it to not think at all?
~~~ (11:19:18 PM): i suppose that as well
slipawaay (11:19:32 PM): so then, do you suppose, that we are infact training our children to be crazy?
~~~ (11:19:43 PM): i dunno
slipawaay (11:20:26 PM): well if you say that we are training them not to think, and by not thinking they are in fact fitting into a diagnosis of a malfunctioning, or in this case ill-functioning mind
slipawaay (11:20:32 PM): wouldn’t that be insanity?
~~~ (11:20:34 PM): sure
slipawaay (11:20:50 PM): sorry for turning your brain on, I’ll leave you alone now :C)
~~~ (11:21:10 PM): haha it’s all good.. i just had a really, really bad day academically so.. thinking isn’t what i want to do right now.
That is truth beloved, take it or leave it.
So, today was most peculiar my friends. Well peculiar meaning different, not strange… Ah… today was different my friends. It all started with spring break rolling around in a very weird way… And then me dragging myself out of bed to climb into my car and drive out to Brakenridge for offical ER training. Which incidentally only really had a small use considering the later part of this story… Which I will tell you of course… Later. Anyways… it was breeze training meaning Here’s here here here and here… You’re orientated. BOOM! mm… mk.. There was a cute girl there though being oriented with me. Too bad we don’t work the same shift.
I gotted food on my way home, because I figured my father wouldn’t have made enough for me of the “family breakfast” since whenever my mom comes home he gets into this whole “I don’t care where/what you are mood.” Sat around for about an hour, and found out the plans for tomorrow… which is technically today. Nodded… Sat around, and napped for a bit. Oh wait… maybe the napping was yesterday… Yeah the napping was yesterday. Anyways.. I proceeded to leave my house. And just drive randomly off, with no clue as to where I was going, just knowing that I needed to somehow fill up about 6 hours. I figured, eh a movie is easy… And so I proceeded to call people up to find them for a movie. I was hesitant to pull my ace this early though so I got the ingenious idea to go look at bikes for when I move in August.
The new bike store is snazzy. They have this fan that is about the size of my entire room. And it has these massive amount of blades and… it’s just really cool. I looked a couple different types of bikes, thinking about what I wanted. Then I realised that my nifty little parachuting bag wouldn’t work, so I went to the place next to Central Market and looked at bags, and there was this really pretty girl playing Tablas. (Indian Drums) And she was like “DUDE!! PLAY TABLAS!!” and so indeed forsooth.. I think I just might.
Went to central market, bought tea. Went to home depot, looked at plants. Came back to central market area, went and saw the Hills have Eyes… or some nonsense like that. The movie was crummy… If you are satisfied by very detailed gore. THen this movie is for you. I kept myself entertained by the idea of how they would try to explain what happened to people outside of their little family. “How did you lose your fingers?” OH… Fighting mutants in the desert… somewhere in there… I think that you would be simply confuzed or terrified that they were going to bite your nuts off or something…
Movie is over… have an hour and a half to kill. EAT!! Free home-made potato chips, a nice chocolate malt and a cup of soup…. oh, and a bite of a pickle. 10$ If you can guess where I ate… I’ll take you there for dinner.
Finally, the climax of my day… Brack ER!!
Lets just say… I am much more capable of taking vitals now :C). Also cause I can’t go into details.
Lesson for the day: Do not… I repeat… DO NOT!! Drink and drive. Because you know what… I’m going to end up sticking wires in places that you don’t think wires aught to be stuck. And then you’re going to try and hit me, and then they are going to tie up your arms and then I”m going to laugh and then I’m going to continue poking you with wires until the screen glows bleep bleep bleep. And then the police man is going to show up and say… You fucked up… We’re taking a blood sample to prove it. Sign here… you spit blood on it. They say thank you and walk out. Also… I am glove retarded.
My feet hurt, I’m tired… I have to pee… and my dislocated knee is killing me. But :C)) Man today was fun.
I hurt beloved, come and hold me.
I want to share something with you guys, that I’ve noticed the past day or two… I have 3 pictures taken at various points throughout teacher training. Focus on the eyes in each picture
The first one is the summer before teacher training,
the second one is late novemberish(about halfway through teacher training or so)
And that one is from this morning.
The only way to truely demonstrate this would be the difference between the 2nd and 3rd pics because I took them both with the same intention to show the “pranic light” of the eyes, and did so the best I could with the lighting permitted, which was somewhat comperable between the two. There was a better picture this morning that captured it almost perfectly because it showed the subilties in the eyes but it disappeared because my computer was being… difficult. Anyways… tell me what you think.
I want to share with you my thoughts about teaching today as well, I wasn’t in a state where I really had a good point of view about it and I really needed to think and process it all. That, was the best class I’ve ever taught. You guys are a joy to lead. Something that you should know about me is that I don’t get nervous, at all, and I woke up with nerves on end… And I was chanting the Adi mantra in the shower and the Miracle Mantra of Guru Ram Das on the way there. That moved my nerves out. This is probally the most prepaired I have ever been for a class, not just material wise, but mentally and energetically. I’m sure the fact that I didn’t have Calculus class right before helped too. But the fact of the matter is that no matter how nervous you may be, you can find calm just by focusing not on the task ahead, but on the moment, the sound current, the breath. Just breathing and obtaining a neutral mindset has helped clear me out of deep depressive states, and everything beyond that. And I know you all know that, but I just am giving the thought that you don’t have to feel intimidated… Don’t think about it, just do it…
Dedicated to my beloved teacher training classmates
So, I’m sitting here in a towel air drying, because that is my prefered method of drying. So just me, the keyboard, and a towel, and the thing on my head because if my hair drys before I put it on it will be a lot harder to keep on.
Now, yesterday was the end of my gurucharan workshop time. Atleast for now, I may find a way to make his workshops later in life, as a matter of fact, I am almost sure I will. It only makes me slightly sad. Though, I have to say, it is one of those life changing experiences, this entire weekend is for that matter.
Friday Night:
Gong workshop, get 2 texts, and 3 phone calls (Most days I don’t get either, something about doing yoga makes me a very popular person, especially when my phone is in my car) I call up the person who sends me a text and we go and hang out. This only ends well from my perspective.
Saturday:
Teacher’s Sadhana workshop (I AM a TEACHER, Waheguru). Lunch and chat with Gurucharan. Phonecallith up the Fritzi, hangth out. Burn an entire tank of gas. (Indeed forsooth!!)
Today: Today is halfway over offically, and I haven’t accomplished anything useful, but of course, that shall change soon! Indeed Forsooth.
**
All of you, have some aspects of depression, social dislikes, fears, everyone has these, atleast from time to time, that is the human complex. But the fact that you have sat here, for weeks with me, you’ve faced fears, and yourself. You see, depression, social dislike, fear, they are all plagues on those who are capable of amazing things, which, you all are. With these great abilities you however have to face great challenges or else there is no appreciation of these things.
You cannot defeat, or win these things. You can endure them. You can allow them to teach you, and in some ways use them as signs of things not right in the greater picture. And through that, you have won. But you cannot endure them, until you embrace them. You have to understand fully, entirely, what it is that is bothering you, and at that moment, it no longer bothers you, you are beyond it. It is no longer unknown, it is known.
There is more to all of that, but I lost my train of thought when my ADD kicked in. I’ll figure it out.
I’ve lost my mind beloved, care to find it?
I feel you now, I’m not alone
Today was Gurucharan workshop day one. I have two more, one this upcoming Friday and one the following Saturday Morning. And I do have to say it was absolutely spectacular. Although I think Gurucharan kinda looks like Mario with a big beard. He’s an amazing teacher. Absolutely fantastic. He gave me a new perspective on a couple things. One, he gave me an interesting take on my name:
“What’s your name?”
“Adi Shakti Singh”
“Hmm..Wow”
He went on to give two main points that really rang. “As Adi Shakti Singh, nothing is above you.” “That I have the power, to work beyond regulation, to work beyond rule, and anything I have the capability and the strength to push forward.” Now… Wow… That’s cool… but of course that doesn’t come without… well great responsability. “That is to balance it out.”
Another thing he gave me in the way of advice is two ways of dealing with people, especially the ones who seem to get in my way.
1) That I have to deal with them with my sense of humor. Only through them laughing can they relax.
2) That I have to approach them from their perspective, with the attitude that I am here to do what I have to do, and I am okay, you don’t worry about me, what can I do to help you. If I, from their perspective, look okay, then they will have no problems with me.
And that is an amazing sense of empowerment.
Rest of the day, I accomplished nothing! And it was fantastic :C).
Sat Nam Beloved. Only in this simplicity can I be truth, and only through this truth can I be one with all, can I love all. What now I must begin with, is today, is now, is not what I’ve done, years ago, months ago, even yesterday. Carpe Diem made a whole new sense in my mind today. And I do have to say, it was fantastic. I am free, I am released, I can only thank those who give me this gift, for I am no longer thirsty. I am free from my bondage, saved. Now, I must, through grace, come to you, beloved, and take your hand, I will give you this gift, this freedom, and you too shall be saved.
Beloved, with your hand in mine, I shall uplift the world, and you, as mine.
It doesn’t make a difference as long as it’s sweet when I get it and I get it when I need it.
Now… That is a perfect song to begin as sex ed hath finished. And the concept of a duality is fantastic. And ever since I had the discussion with Michael about it I have been thinking about the concept of human duality, wanting but not needing, wanting but not wanting, wanting but wanting something contridictory. It’s confuzing. And of course, I am the biggest culprit just due to the natural duality of being an Adi Shakti Singh. Female energy in a male embodiment.
I’m not sure where I was but the idea came to mind that most humans apparently do not need a technology. Or they adapt. And I have no idea what was done before the invention of computers to create metaphors to describe humans because the technology for humanity is basically like a software and a hardware upgrade combined. Today especially I found myself thinking, just by looking at people, that I could help them optimize themselves if they would just come to me for a class or three. I think I vastly underestimate the majority, or the bell curve, as Michael puts it. I think they are just misguided, and need this the most. They are like the out of date computer, whereas the intellegant are the suseptable ones. The out of date computers atleast have a firewall or an antivirus, but the suseptable ones are far more powerful but lack even those basic tools to keep themselves on the cutting edge. Maybe that is because the bell curve, the out of date computers, are more active physically. How many football players do you see growing up to save the world? But they are physically the most adept to do so. So I think even if it is by accident, they end up upgrading their hardware and that somehow protects their software. Like a very powerful computer running Windows 9.0. It will function, and function fast as hell, but as for the capability to do much of anything, forget about it. On the same level, the computer running Windows XP 9.9999999666911 is so cutting edge that it’s filled with bugs, minor flaws that get in the way. And the technology is a debugger. So is it that it is a refinement or the upgrade that knocks them up to Windows XP 10b and Windows XP 10? At the same time knocking the Windows 9.0 person up to an XP or a 98SE system.
So apparently, I’m creepy. Which is an interesting way of putting scary. Fear. Most interesting… But when asked why… no one had any clue as to why…
If I could have one wish tonight, I’de wish upon a satalite, to bring me back to you, to bring me back to you.
I’m worried about some people who have been in my life a while, a lot of them are coming out of the woodwork as of late and they’re all messy. Most of them I can’t touch, or be with, and it’s really unfortunate because they need me far more then the people here.
I have a case of ginger ale in my car :C)) And today, I gave Elizabeth one, after dropping it… note.. she saw me drop it… and she opened it… and it esploded… and I fell out of my chair. Hillarity. Also funny, today was apparently cold. Now I normally don’t mind the cold, I just tend to ignore it, unless I’m wet… and Cold… but I wasn’t wet… so I ignored it. But then, during my normal passing period listening time, I overhear some of the more entertaining things. “Ohmigod, it’s so cold bleh” *turns to look at person talking, they are wearing an incredabally low cut shirt with goose bumps all over their breasts and their nipples poking out to no end, as well as some short skirt* *Giggles* Well that’s one way to get laid. Note, this was before the last day of sex ed class… Which made it all the more ironic. So, you have to repeat similar comments throughout the day along the same lines, with girls wearing the same types of clothes.
Chicken Noodle soup and ice cream for lunch… I have a nice arrangement with the “chap cart” which really isn’t a cart anymore, but yeah… the place in the “chap court” that has food. Anyways, this arrangement is that I come, I get food, I pay for it in cash, and I leave. Without standing in line. And I’ve done this pretty much since the beginning of the year. Now, you may ask… Rob ! Why are you doing such a thing!? Well… That’s a good question. I don’t have a lunch, so I have also an agreement with my English teacher that I will eat in her class, oh and sit on the couch (it’s my actual assigned seat, that is until I get manafest destinyed out of it by table 3… dirty commies)… anyways. the point of this whole story is that I have been going there since the beginning of the year… and I don’t exactly blend into a crowd… I mean beard, orange head thingy… And I think two days ago… the guy who has been working there since the beginning of the year goes… “What the hell is your name?!”
I completely lost my train of thought, I’m not even sure what I wanted to talk about, if anything at all.
I’m tongue tied beloved, care to entangle with me?
